I came in to this world unwanted by my Mother. I was a result of a
physically and mentally abusive relationship including the rapes that
began the making of this soul. My Mother gave me away at 6 months old
like a rag doll but kept my older Sister. If I said knowing this didn’t
hurt I’d be lying. The Parents I came to know loved me in their own
way. I can count on one hand how many times they’ve hugged and kissed
me. One of which was during my Wedding 12 years ago!
in her country. I was EXPECTED to follow in her foot steps by her, the
Parents I grew up with and the rest of our family. I have memories as
young as 4yrs old, of being told I was fat and not pretty. The endless
times of being compared to my Mother and ‘her’ beauty ring loud and and
clear in my head. The hardest experience was when I went to Mexico to
visit my Mother when I was 15yrs. old. I had not seen her 8 years and
was excited to have her see the young woman I have grown up to be. I
remember being nervous knocking on the door to her home. I had a smile
on my face as she opened it then her words hit me like a bucket of cold
ice with huge rocks inside it! I can hear them as loud as a scream
still… “Look how FAT you are!”
Somehow I expected my Mother to be as excited to finally see me
after almost a decade. Somehow I expected nothing but love at some
point from the one I loved still as a Mother. Well it was a wake up
call that some people will never accept me or see me as a worthy human.
I stumbled through life with this ‘handicap’. It wasn’t my weight
holding me down because I was physically active and exceeded in ALL
sports I chose to join. I was intent in my Education and started my
first business at age 15. BUT when it came to my own acceptance of my
body, I was at a loss. I covered my body all the way up to my neck. I
rarely if ever wore dresses or makeup. I kept my eyes averted from the
mirrors. Afraid to see the ‘ugliness’ that everyone else saw.
I forged through life. I didn’t date or feel worthy of another
human being being able to love such a being as me! I saw my friends go
out, marry and have babies. On my 24th Birthday I said “NO MAS!” I had
to get out in to the world and give myself the opportunity to LIVE and
dare I say LOVE?! I met a few men but nothing more than a friendship
sparked from them. One had potential BUT his family didn’t “approve” of
his taking a “FAT GIRL” seriously. Yes, I heard them pulling him to
the side and ‘talking to him’ about WHY he needs to set his sites
higher. So much so, that during the family functions there would be
extra ‘single and thin’ friends that his family invited. So I gathered my bruised soul up and ended that scenario.
Soon after I met my now XHusband. He was sweet and ‘my size’ LOL!
We were together for 10 years. During that decade I faced the same
ridicule from his family and friends. Yes! Even after being married
and having children!! The pressure from his family took a toll on our
relationship. He himself suffered from a low self esteem because of his
weight and adding me to the mix didn’t help. He mentally abused me by
telling me that there was something wrong with ‘me’. He was extremely
jealous and didn’t like for me to dress ‘nice’ or be the center of any
At age 32 I caught him cheating. I threw him out and was left with a
very bruised and unhappy soul. I faced the streets with my children
whom were 1 1/2yrs and 4yrs old. We lived in our mini van that I parked
near churches. I would write a whole book on these experiences alone.
Needless to say it is a time in our lives that my children still have
How does one feel accomplished when all the safety that we have
worked so hard to attain for our children is swiped from underneath our
feet? How does one feel RIGHT when your children tell you they’re
hungry and there’s nothing you can do about it?
My self worth plummeted in to depths I NEVER knew existed. Slowly
but surely I kept trying to scratch a life for us once again. With the
help of strangers we once again were able to find a home and I was able
to make a living. I became very much involved in the Plus Size
Community since the day I FIRST became aware of it! Before I knew it my
short blurbs on Myspace and now Facebook has rallied many people around
me… with me… and most importantly I have helped others through the
sharing of my experience and work.
One little girl in the neighborhood I once lived stopped me one day
while coming home from work. She was about 9 years old and heavier than
her siblings. In front of her Mother she said “I want to grow up and
be just like you.” I asked her what did she mean by her statement.
While her Mother watched intently the little girl said “I want to have a
car, be a secretary and look pretty.” Without missing a beat I
responded with “You will grow up to be the OWNER of the business that
will have a Secretary like me!” You should have seen the sparkle in her
eye when my words were understood! PRICELESS!
food in her napkins and sneaking her food in the trash. I sat her down
and asked why she was doing this??? She told me that my Xhusband’s
Girlfriend had told her she “Needed to stop eating because her tummy was
getting big!” My daughter was 4 YEARS OLD!!! I went on a rampage to
say the least. I took it to court and still no more than my XHusband
being told to KEEP HIS GIRLFRIEND from saying such things by the Judge.
She is now 8 years old and STILL struggles with low self esteem and
eating disorders. We have been on a waiting list for therapy in hopes
that this doesn’t affect as much.
against this demon. I decided from that MOMENT that I have to love and
accept MY OWN body. How can I ask from my own children to do this if I
can’t do it myself? I want my children to see ALL beauty and finding
Plus Size beauty 4 years ago was almost NON EXISTENT! i created pages
to infiltrate with pictorials and writings that are BBW POSITIVE. At
one point in my journey I pushed and worked for BBW POSITIVE music. And
the rest is History…
collected in my soul for the almost 40 years of my life? I can safely
say I have muffled them enough to HEAR and SEE ME!
that has torn up a run way. The ME that can put my apprehension and
fears behind and bring out my strength every picture. The ME that will
be stopped in the streets by women to tell me how pretty I look and
where I get my clothes. There is so much of ME that somehow shines
through in a numbed world and some take notice.
Now when my daughter has those deepest of days and says “Mom, I want
to be as pretty as you.” I take her to the biggest mirror in my home
and stand behind her. I then tell her “Don’t you see how pretty YOU
ARE? YOU are ME and I am You!” She looks up at me and smiles with a
gleam of hope.
How I wish I could erase all the negativity that she fights with.
BUT I continue my WALK on this road and can’t be nothing less than a
BBW SUPER-WOMAN that I HAVE TO BE… for my children and
so many others that need to see my strength to gain and/or fortify
their own with!